Introspective musings of a Headmaster

[kumir_k9]

Since I didn't go out as the Headmaster at the 7V finale, I decided I would write his thoughts on the final evening of the final practicum.  It helps if you can hear it in his voice, seeing as he’d be sitting in his hearth talking to himself.  I won't wrrrrrte them out as that gets rrrrealy annoying to rrrread, so don't forrrrrget to lowerrrr the tone and rrrrroll yourrrr  rrrr's.  ;-)

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Why am I not out enjoying the party with the rest of my staff and the students?  Although I guess they’re not students anymore, are they?  Really they’re Heroes now, the new Heroes.  I should stop thinking of them as students. Some of them have even spoken to me about giving up everything they’ve learned and taking up the path of the Teacher.  Many of them will be heading back to their respective countries to do the work of rebuilding their homes and building the bridges that will bring their countries together.

So why *am* I not out there?  I know that they want me to share their victory with them, but I’m so tired and in need of rest and I’m not particularly proud of the way I’ve handled myself in the past few days.  I let Bashir’s Falling get the best of me.  I know I did everything in my power to help him.  Forgive me my young friend, I and many people here failed you.  But in the end, I had to do what was best for the school.  I had to push people away from him, people who only wanted to try to save him.  I had to ignore my desire to put Compassion first.  I tire of that, but I know it’s necessary.  I know not just anyone can do that.  It’s why I am where I am and why I’m trusted to lead this school, but I grow weary of putting aside who I am.  I’m just glad that Aeronwy came along when she did, to see Bashir to that Compassionate ending that I couldn’t and get him safely off the grounds in such a way that he couldn’t hurt anyone.

Then I failed, failed to handle myself in an appropriate fashion.  Instead of facing my responsibilities I sat with students and drank.  I never drink.  I have no tolerance for it.  I let the wine get the better of me and it clouded my judgment.  I let myself slip in front of students, an unforgivable slip.  And then to make it worse, I’m pretty sure I insulted and frightened the Prime Consul of Scartha and then ordered the students to attack a Fallen and a group of controlled Touched when violence wasn’t needed.  I think perhaps drinking, or even the tempation of it tonight is a bad idea.

Strowan my friend, wise and powerful cub?  I have no idea why I never thought to ask you why you picked the name Raghnall Quillan for me when you led me away from the Lostwood.  'Softpaw' certainly wouldn't have been adequate as an adult name among Humans and I do understand his reasoning in picking a "fine Braemoor name" so I would fit in better.  I guess I just didn't know your sense of humor well enough at that point to question it.  I'm glad you decided to share the joke with me before leaving.  I've missed having you around for all these years as my friend, confidante and mentor and I will miss you even more now that you’re retiring.  I'm glad you saw something in me all those years ago.  I was a lot like Shear, young, energetic, enthusiastic, hopefully not quite as unfocused, not knowing what I wanted with my future.  Obviously older, wiser heads saw a potential that I didn't see myself.  Strowan Turvey, I hope I have steered Shear as successfully as you led me.

So what will I do now?  It is clear to me that the school must continue.  It’s easy to think that with this banishment that the Mahori will never come back to Armandy.  That line of thinking led us to a near loss in this war.  We grew complacent.  We forgot the lessons of the past.  I have set wheels in motion through people like Rosalin and Alera and Idriante and Jozef to try and get more support for the school with all countries.  Already Rosalin speaks to the Queen of Albion as one of her knights.  Who would ever have thought there would be a Dame Rosalin when I first met her?  I hope that their plans succeed for a more independent school with more control over its own destiny.  Having been the first headmaster to lose the school to enemy forces it would be nice to be the first headmaster of a school that stands with all the nations and not specifically under any one of them.  I think the school has a bright future ahead of it, assuming Armandy can rebuild in a more unified fashion.

The school… I have my fair shair of problems to think about in rebuilding.  We’ve lost a fair amount of staff..  Emrys came to me and handed me his resignation.  I accepted it, even though it further decimates an already depleted staff.  At least this way I can tell Tertia that he’s leaving for his own personal reasons instead of having to tell her why I let him go.  How could I justify keeping him though?  His actions were so much more appropriate to the “other” school.  His actions, despite the intent, were despicable and worst of all is that there’s no real remorse there.  He would do it all again.  The end does not justify the means, not here.  At least he’ll be with Tdira.  If anyone can steer him back to a good emotional state, it will be her.  I wish I could take back the mistake that marred the acknowledgement of her crowning achievement here.  I have apologized.  She has forgiven me.  That is the best I can do.

And then there’s Ledda.  She is a fine Compassion teacher.  She must be; she got a fair number of students to gang up on me to sway me to her cause.  Why am I so reluctant to give her the title of Professor of Compassion?  Is it because I truly believe that she would put her marriage before her position?  Does that even matter if we have adequate staffing to replace her should she be unable to?  We’re not even at war anymore, so really  how critical is that?  Is it because I never really wanted to give it up to begin with and it’s comforting to me to be able to act in that capacity, to actually think just in terms of Compassion now and then?  Am I being selfish?  Perhaps.  I don’t like that line of thinking.  I think I need that drink.  Either that or I need to take this Selflessness ring and this Wisdom ring and this Compassion ring, put them to good use, think like a Headmaster should think and give her the position.

But I’ve sacrificed my own love for this school.  I’ve loved Tertia for years, since she first came here.  Granted I didn’t tell her at first because she was a Scarthan lady and I was just a Wyr and I wasn’t deserving of her love.  Wisdom helped me overcome that silly thinking, but then I was afraid to tell her for fear of rejection.  As I grew in Courage I overcame that too.  By that time I was a Professor and it just wouldn’t have been proper.  Professors are supposed to put their duty to the school and its students first, aren't they?  Then she too became a Professor and shortly thereafter I the Headmaster.  The Headmaster can not show favoritism to his Professors and that would have been the worst kind of favoritism, wouldn’t it?

The best I could do was watch in silence, never letting on.  Even when she was Touched by the Mahori and she needed that support, I couldn’t tell her.  If she didn’t return my feelings it would have added a stress she could ill afford, so all I could do again was put aside my feelings for the greater good.  And when she Fell, I had to advocate her death because it was the right thing to do.  It tore me apart inside.  I did all that for Tertia.  Can Ledda do the same if Eoghan is at stake?  I need to stop thinking like that and let what happens, happen.  It’s a new world, hopefully a better one where such things don’t matter.  Maybe it’s time for me to let Compassion make a Headmaster’s decision.  Yes, I think it is.  I will offer her the position tomorrow.

Now can I make another offer tomorrow, a personal one that has waited far too long?  I hope that Courage ring holds up.  Tertia has avoided me.  She managed to slip away after we defeated the Mahori.  I was watching her door as I’ve done so often during her evening vigils.  I’m ashamed of letting fatigue overtake me to the point she got out without me hearing her.  I don’t think she’s telling me everything.  One doesn’t have to be a master of Compassion to tell that something is wrong.  She’s Scarthan.  Perhaps if I approach her first from a work standpoint I will get her to open up.  After all, I need to know if I’ll still have a Professor of Wisdom after this.

There’s always Aya, but she’s seemed so fragile of late.  Bashir’s Fall seems to have hit her really hard.  She’s been like a daughter to me and I truly hate to see her suffer.  She was especially distant after I pushed for her “mother’s” death.  It’s ironic that she thinks of Tertia as her mother.  I don’t know what to make of our relationship right now and I suspect that’s another thing that will need to be mended soon.

Anton is of concern to me.  He’ll be needed to rebuild Torheim but he’s always been the foundation of my Courage department.  I can’t see anyone that can adequately fill his boots right now.  And having given of his life I have no idea how he’ll hold together or for how long.  I fear for him as well.

I suppose I should turn to the other pillar of support that I have, Vespasia.  She’s always been there for sound advice.  Well, there was that time I accidentally let slip to Prudence that Tertia was not touched by a Fallen.  Vespasia wasn’t especially supportive then, but I can understand that.  It was a slip in a moment of foolishness.  I never have managed to grasp that whole Grace trick of meaning what you say without saying exactly what you mean.  There will be time to focus on trying again at Grace after the war.  She is probably going to be the one I need the most in negotiating the school’s future.

I must speak to Eoghan, Siobhan and Giacomo as well.  They have all asked about positions at the school.  They would all make fine additions here.  Eoghan wants to be a simple grounds keeper, but I suspect he’ll never be totally content with that.  I think if he started the proper grooming now he’d eventually make a fine Courage teacher…or more.  I’ll have to talk to Anton about that too.

And I should probably let poor Ciara off her promise.  Now that she is no longer Touched I don’t have to worry that her sacrifice could be the thing that takes her down and brings Tertia along with her.  In my fatigued, worried state I think I may have been more than a little hard on her; another apology I need to remember to make…after the appropriate rest.

So many difficult days ahead and so many things to consider. I…*yawn*… should…*yawn*…begin…
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In the college, the virtues' college, the lion sleeps tonight... awimaweh, awimaweh  ;-)

Comments

[conspiratrix.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this!

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

My pleasure. Hopefully there were at least some tidbits of insight in there for you.

[conspiratrix.livejournal.com]

Your bits about Tertia break my heart! Also...I don't know what Emrys did! What did he do?

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

Ah, Emrys. What didn't he do? I'll try to stick to things that I'm sure are known or at least highly suspected. These all relate to his efforts to try and rescue Tertia after she Fell.

He tricked students into helping him rip the heart out of a friendly Aetherial.

It is strongly suspected that he lowered the wards on the room where the school stores dangerous artifacts and took one out that then fell into the hands of a Fallen.

From this point, I'm not positive what was known to PCs and so can't comment. If any PCs care to chime in with things that were known, please feel free. For that matter, if staff members know anything further that the PCs knew, also feel free.

[bluestocking.livejournal.com]

<3 for the Headmaster.

So, so much <3.

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

Are you just saying that because I managed to slip Prudence in there? ;-)

[bluestocking.livejournal.com]

Nah. She and I are just very fond of him - their little chats meant a lot to her, and she was very grateful when he took some time to talk to her about her Mastery Project.

Though it did warm the little sub-cockles of my heart that you did get her in there. :-)

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

It could be that I sent this picture to staff after Pru found out from the Headmaster about who touched Caelia. Only I changed the caption to Lucchetti confronts the HM: "You told them whaaaaat?!?!"

http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/lioness-roaring-at-lion.jpg

[bluestocking.livejournal.com]

Angry Luccetti is scaaaaaary.

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

"But Vespasia, I didn't tell Prrrudence that Terrrtia was Touched by a Mahorrrri. When she asked if we knew what Fallen had Touched herrrr, I only told herrrrr the trrruth, that she was not Touched by a Fallen."

The scary part is that I started to think of a slippery Grace-like Rick answer for Prudence and then thought, "Oh wait, the Headmaster doesn't think like that and answered like the Headmaster would. :-)

[bluestocking.livejournal.com]

Those poor Grace folks. They get so frustrated when other people aren't Gracey!

Elowyn once left a blackmail letter out in plain sight in our cabin, figuring it would get read. But I would never open and read a letter of Elowyns! That would be so rude and invasive! It's her letter!

...we had a talk about such things later on in the weekend, after it became clear I had no idea what the heck was going on. :-)

[klee39.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3

Both Tdira and I really do forgive you :)

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

It was actually a very appropriate slip considering that Rick was almost as fatigued as the Headmaster.

Thank you both for your Compassionate understanding. :-)

[apexmachina.livejournal.com]

I wasn't as involved with the Headmaster as most other students, but there were more than a few learning experiences which, in hindsight, seem too good to be coincidental that I suspect he was behind. I'd call that the mark of an excellent teacher.

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

I would say there was one very large experience that he had a huge hand in, but I should neither confirm nor deny such things. Perhaps I will be introspective upon such things in the future. ;-)

[draketamarack.livejournal.com]

Don't worry Headmaster We're Helping ;)

[tressum.livejournal.com]

"Helping" ;-)

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what she said. I've heard about your idea of "helping", though I have to admit, you're probably making the right decision.

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

When Kristoff wants to talk things out and the Headmaster suggests violence, the end if the world must be nigh. Thank you for the many insights here.

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

My pleasure. I'm curious how many people picked up on what things over the life of the campaign. What things proved most insightful? Anything you just flat out did not know at all?

[annthemun.livejournal.com]

Rosalin says, "We'll take it from here, boss." *hug*

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

Good to know. The HM could use a bit of a break, maybe go back and see his sister Sharp Fang (ok, that's her child name, but it's been all that he's ever known her as) in the Lostwood for the first time in over 25 years.

[tressum.livejournal.com]

You do realize that Kiva noted his absence and *will* seek him out for a hug and some talking? :)

I love the Headmaster. I will sorely miss him.

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's probably the thing I will miss the most out of the entire game is playing that character. I will certainly look forward to that event a year from now (or whenever). Kiva was probably the most outstanding part of my Headmaster time, one Compassion master to another.

[annthemun.livejournal.com]

Compassion ball to the rescue!

[bluestocking.livejournal.com]

Group hug!

[kumir-k9.livejournal.com]

That's what Compassion Ball and Compassion Kitty would do. :-)